Am searchin my soul's PURPOSE

iPad v1 - Not for me

2010-01-29T03:14:00.000-08:00

So Apple's latest and greatest product reminds one of a feminine hygiene product, nice :-).

Before I start out this review I would like to state that I like apple products, and why not. They are for the most part excellent devices, well designed, excellently made and usually the most attractive device in their respective categories (and who doesn't like to hold pretty things).

Any ways that said I was very very excited about the fabled tablet because I really felt that this would be a device that I would buy, and it simply does not appeal to me. I was expecting a beautiful touch netbook, what I got was an over sized iPod Touch.

Here's what I think the iPad is missing -

multitasking
camera
SD card slot
USB port

Let me go through each of these and explain why I think they are important.

multitasking - this I think is where the iPad fails the most. Here's how I envisioned using the tablet - running some kind of script over a server (via a unix terminal), minimizing this window and then surfing the web, or reading a book, playing a game, etc. Since I am not running the script on the tablet it wouldn't be a resource hog (though I think the iPad is actually capable with its 1 GHz processor) and it would let me do other things as well. However this device in its current shape and form will not let me do this. Now even if I was not a geek, there's another application where this will fail big time. Remember that beautiful keynote presentation by Steve Jobs where he opens up youtube and displays a HD video. Now imagine opening that same HD vid on AT&T's amazing network while on the road, given that you cannot minimize the window and do something else for the next day while the video buffers, the only thing you can do is close the window or pray for some patience. I just hope that the next OS update brings multitasking to this device otherwise I see this as little more than a pretty gadget with little actual functional use.

camera - do I even need to explain why this is a huge disappointment. Come on, I know you want something for iPad2.0 but seriously did it have to be the camera??? This device could have been brilliant for video conferencing (or simply chatting), why give up something that would have added so much value?

SD card - this was just a cheap blow. I am willing to pay the obscene $130 for the 3G capability, but making three versions with more memory when you could just as easily have made a single device and allowed people to expand it using easily available flash memory is just unfair. I mean how about coming up with your own memory card, like how sony screws people with its card. That way you can still charge people for the memory but everyone can start off with a $499 or $599 device and upgrade as and when desired. To be honest 16GB would probably be more than enough for a device that was designed for work, but for something like the iPad which is so keyed into the entertainment side of things 16GB would barely hold my music to say nothing about any movies or shows.

USB port - this was actually something that did not initially bother me as much as the other things, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that having access to USB devices would have been very valuable. Almost everyone transports files, and data on USB drives. Given the limited memory of the iPad adding a USB port would have allowed one to expand its overall memory 2x, 4x, and more. Not just that but USB is so much ubiquitous today than bluetooth devices, I would much rather have had a USB port than bluetooth. I mean is this device a cellphone, no its not. Its got 10" of screen and plenty of bordering bezel so its got space to play with. So why not add a USB card and give this device some real flexibility.

Something I think the iPad will do brilliantly is books, and I dont mean as novels but I am thinking textbooks. But before this can happen on a large scale, I think we need something very important to happen. We need to find a way to allow people to trade and sell ebooks. Here's my concern, when I was studying the average textbook for my MS was priced between $50 - $150. The only way I could afford to buy these books was second-hand, unless apple finds a way to allow students to buy these texts second-hand, there is no way this device will find a permanent home in the student's life. A very interesting idea suggested to me was the following - libraries in Universities should rent out texts online (they already rent out DVD's and stuff), and these books should be available for the duration of the class. If you wish to hold on to the book for any longer then you need to either purchase the online version, or the hard copy. This would require someone to work together with the publishers, the authors and Universities but the final outcome would be very useful to the students, and to someone like apple.

Finally I would have really liked OSX on this thing rather than the iPhone OS, I am sure the iPhone OS is brilliant and all but seriously by linking the two devices you limit the flexibility of this device so much. With all the hoo hah about the app store I think people have forgotten that all these apps have pc or mac equivalents, and usually they are way better. This device has a 1GHz processor, that pretty fricking powerful why not give it a stripped down but functional OS which would take care of the multitasking, and also truly allow people to customize the device as they desire.

So will I buy this device in its current incarnation - not a chance. In the future (probably v2.0) may be, but I am guessing that's not going to happen for a year and I really need something in the near term. So I will wait, there are some very nice devices (the super cool Notion Ink Adam, MSI's tablet, or Lenovo's Ideapad) planned for the second half of this year. I might go for one of them, or just cough up the extra dough and buy me a macbook.

status messages

2010-01-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

So this is the newest craze going around on the internet... Updating your status message every 5 min or so... I have a friend who shall remain unnamed, his google status just switched to "Shower"... Now the first thing that popped in my head was - 'seriously, do I really need to know about this'... but then I started to think, and the next thought that came was maybe this is such a momentous event in this young mans life that it deserved mention, something akin to the birth of your first child maybe?

Of course this post is not to abuse my friend, but its to question this desire that everyone seems to have of putting their every move out on the intertoob... Dont get me wrong my status changes too but its more like a seasonal change, and honestly who really cares what you are doing every second of the day, if you do then I suggest it might be time to tie the knot...

Just a few days back I read how some prof or lawyer in UK came to the conclusion that the new gen, specifically ppl in the US, are putting so much of themselves on the internet that we might be losing our right to privacy. And this is a scary thought, what someone else does on their free time does not concern me. But when enough people do it for a long enough time to redefine something so fundamental as the privacy one is entitled to, then the issue begs a longer look at... We have also had two ppl who run some of the largest online corps come out against an individuals privacy and thats even more scary because it has implications on how the law interprets things.

Does our desire to put out information about us, automatically mean that we do not deserve to have privacy in our lives. The problem with making or interpreting laws is that it has to be general, so what I may think is completely private might be for someone else their front page news.

Question to be asked is how will twittering and status updates change something so fundamental as our right to privacy? I do not imagine people will stop updating their status messages, but maybe it might be time to rethink just how much of ourselves are we putting out there. And really the people who really want to know have other ways of finding out, and the ones who dont dont.

instant gratification

2009-12-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

I wanted to title this 'a masturbatory existence', but for the sake of a cleaner blog I decided against it. Its been one of those days which may or may not go down as a critical juncture in life, if only we could see these in advance. I feel like I have been in this ugly miasma which I entered all by myself and found myself glorifying as my existence. I do not believe that I will wake up tomorrow and find myself leading a completely new existence, but I believe that I might have seen something. A glimmer of light which may help me find my way out of the darkness. Maybe it took me dislocating my shoulder or maybe it took the love of my life telling me that I took too much for granted, including her, or maybe the pain from the first finally woke me enough from my addled sleep to listen to the words that this beautiful woman had been throwing my way for several months now.

When I was talking to her I had a thought and it was about humanity and how we have changed in the past two decades. There was a time when we knew that anything good took time and patience to make, that anything worthwhile was obtained with effort. But when I look at everything around me, and I do not exclude myself I see a shift in paradigm. Everyone wants everything, but no one is willing to work for it.

Instant gratification is the mantra and it is no longer looked as something bad but rather something to be desired. Everyone is looking for the resulting orgasm, without wondering if we are simply shooting blanks. Does any of this have any meaning? Does anything I have said have any meaning? I feel like I need to wake up or lose myself in a meaning existence devoid of joy and fulfillment.

Teaching

2006-10-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

Its not often that I am feeling as unwell as I am right now and I still am enjoying the hectic pace of life I am surrounded by, I think the reason for this is the fact that I really am enjoying the job that I have right now. Unlike last year where my job primarily consisted of nursing a temperamental telescope which didnt want to do what we were asking off it, this year I am being allowed to teach a lab to entry level students who many a time are taking this lab as an introduction to entering the world of Astronomy. The thought that I could influence some of them to choose this line for a career all at once scares me and overwhelms my senses.

Its like what happened with my mother when she called one day while I was teaching, when I did mention what I happened to be involved in all she could do was burst out laughing and I could even see her shaking her head in wonderment that her little boy was actually doing something as important and one with as much responsibility as teaching. I dont know if the novelty quickly wears off as it does in other jobs or if the wonderment sticks on for as long as you are involved with young and fresh minds, but I am willing to give it an opportunity and see what happens if I make this into a career option.

Its funny how I have always been worried that my fundamentals come prove to be insufficient and that the students would immediately point out the fact that I happen to know extremely little of the subject I attempt to teach them, but as I teach them I realise two things. One - I am not as stutpid as I thought I was, and that my basics are infact better then I gave it credit for and two - that the students are infact actually do know lesser then me and that for the lab that I am teaching I am pretty decently positioned to not make an ass out of myself. I also realise that while I am lazy (now thats an understatement) I still make the effort to teach that I do not make for other jobs. All jobs I have held before this have required me to force myself to go, this is the first job where I have had to force myself to wait for the class to being and tot not turn up an hour early.

All in all I am enjoying myself and with the Subject Test approaching I find myself actually making an effort to study as well. Though not enough...

Back

2006-09-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhh WOW is gone. World of warcraft and its addictive interface finally have left me or rather I have left them behind me. And as I pick up my life once more after the brief moments of my life when I didnt have a life, I look around me and realise how much time has passes by without me really living life.

I must say this much, if this is what the future holds for us then there isnt very much to look forward to . Why do I say this, the reason is because I have only recently left a world which tries to emulate and impersonate the real world, and while it does an awesome job at it it still doesnt represent the true environment we live in and I am glad that I am finally making an attempt to break the shackles laid upon me by the game. For those who dont realise how addictive these things are all I can say is that you'll aren't gamers and you wont understand how captivating these things can be.

I have begun preparations for my Subject GRE and in that I must say I fear for my future in that I really havent gotten to a stage where I am confident of facing the test. But then only time will state if I can overcome this test laid in front of me. The world awaits, only I can decide when I wish to take it on... For in this lifetime I know people will come to recognise the beauty that I see entrapped in the many faceted crystal that is LIFE!!!

???

2006-07-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

A question asked is not always a question answered. In between theres a million processes which are carried in determining the solution to above question. And yet would we be human if we didnt ask the questions that we carried and more importantly once we faced the questions - would we be human if we didnt want to find the answers.

Its always driven me crazy when people pose questions in front of me and then refuse to answer them if its something I couldn't answer by myself. It according to me defeats the purpose and builds a defeatist attitude which could not be more infuriating.

It saddens me to see that a project that I had begun - the logging of my travels in NY was never completed. I wrote about 3 days out of a week, which in itself is not bad but nothing to pat myself on the back either. There were so many memories that I wished to pen down before the winds of time swept them clear out of my memory. But nevermind, a project for a rainy day this shall be when I shall complete the log and present it photos and all.

Many people maintain diaries in which they confide all their deepest and often darkest secrets. I've tried it out myself and found that if I kept a diary I might as well publish the damn writings on a media where anyone could read it. And voila - thus was born the idea of a Blog that I have poured a lot of myself into without at many times giving away too much. You could pretty much know me through my writings but you could never guess the vagaries of my mind without meeting me in person. Its funny how I almost started 2 other blogs with the intention of staying away from this one and helping me build a blog where I could be even more candid without the worry off people who know me seeing through my writing to whats actually going on. I'm good, but not that good. And yet everytime I'd start it I'd realise that one of the reasons that kept me writing was because small as it may be there were some people who would read my blog every so often, if nothing else to see what I was upto and this had become some sort of a support for me which I craved. It was in a small measure the kind of thrill celebrities get when they see their fans screaming their names.

So I found I could not even if desired stay away from updating this blog and letting out a smidgen of information about my daily doings and playing the game off - who really understands what I am shooting out. Who siphons the garbage from the truth and who doesnt. And every so often when the people I want to understand, actually understand what I am trying to communicate it gives me a feeling of warmth and accomplishment that I managed to write an entry that only a few could see through and while meager as the accomplishment might be it still thrills me.

When I started writing this entry I did it with a name - which was 'Whispers' now I am not so sure that I will be using this title. The idea being that there seems to be a being in my head whispering thoughts and suggestions to me and a steady pace and never really letting me alone. While I sleep he/she/it seems to be rejuvenating and regathering its minions to fill my head with ideas and potential stories. Hey who knows I might yet find a way to link Astronomy to making money through one of these ideas....

Who does this???

2006-07-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

Thats been the question foremost on my mind since yesterday morning when I was woken up with the news that several bombs had been set off in Bombay. Those few seconds of terror when I didnt know what happened to my brother was quickly suppressed by my sis-in-law who informed me that he was fine and luckily had not yet left from work. He could have been on any of those trains back home, and since he travels in the first class compartment it could have been him instead of someone else's family member in the list of dead. It brought to me the fact that nothing in life is assured and sitting in my room watching NDTV all alone I suddenly realised how far away from the people I love I was, not one of my friends knew about this - not one!!!

The rest of this entry is going to be a rant against the media of this country, so people uninterested may tune out.

Last year a couple of shoe bombs took out a few buses in UK and the whole fucking world was told about it, continuously for a few days, non-stop whether we liked it or not. Not too many people died, but immediately the whole world knew about it. Yesterday the country was rocked by 14 bombs - YES 14 EXPLOSIVES. 6 in Kashmir, and 8 in Bombay and when I tuned into the news networks the only piece I managed to catch after 20 min was on Fox News, which focussed for 30 sec on the actual event and then did bits on Condi Rice and the 'Afghan' Ambassador to the US. AFGHAN??? WTF people, WTF??? Last I remember Afghanistan is not India, they asked him how this affects the war in Iraq??? What is wrong with the media in this country, when will they realise that the world is not the 'Fucking United States of America'. Every bloody thing is 'I...I...I or Me... Me... Me...', well let me answer some of the questions that she posed to the Afghan Ambassador.

How does it affect the war in Iraq - It doesn't, since the war in Iraq has nothing to do with the war on terrorism it has everything to do with OIL. Too bad Pakistan doesn't have oil, we would have been rid of that countries political powers long ago, though when I think about it Paks are already US lap-dogs so I'm reconsidering that statement, thank god it doesn't have oil (would have been one more bargaining point against India).

Do the people of Afghanistan feel bad about this terrorist act - ANY FUCKING PERSON WITH A HEART WILL FEEL BAD YOU STUPID BITCH!!! And you are asking a politician, whats he going to say - "No, India deserves what it gets. And Bombay especially since the readers digest said its the rudest metropolitan city in the world" (Oh and this by a magazine that promotes 'Global Warming' as being good for you).

After seeing this I turned off the TV, went and subscribed to NDTV online and watched what was happening back home, through the view of Indians and not self centered moronic American Journalists. And the rudest city in the World once again came together at a moment of tragedy and supported each other. When New Orleans went under water, people came out on the streets and looted and raped - when bombay last year went under water people came out on the streets and offered free raincoats and food. They opened their homes and made them into temporary shelters, no doubt they cried that the government didnt do a thing but they went ahead and did things on their own. There was no looting and no raping, no gun fights nothing. Women and children walked across the city to get to a dry spot and some food in the middle of the night. This year when the blasts occured, the first people to the site were the poorest people who live in shanties besides the tracks. They ran into the trains and pulled out people and tried their level best to help. This from the rudest city in the world, you know what I think. I think 'Readers Digest' is full of shit and they can take their shit and stuff it up their ass.

Unlike other cities in the world, Bombay is famous for its 'Sab Chalta Hain Attitude' and by god I am proud of it, for its what makes it the best city in the world. Already within a couple of hours of the explosions trains were functioning again, roads were opened to the public and the city came back to life. We have seen this kind of violence in the past, and we will see it again in the future but we will never let them win by becoming paranoid like the people in NY or London, for this is Mumbai Meri Jaan...

Stolen Article

2006-07-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Now usually I dont do this, by 'this' I mean plagiarise articles from other blogs or writers. But for this superb article I will make an exception. Its been doing the circles in the mail and many might have read it previously but it still makes for a hilarious read, so enjoy -

"The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing" or "Why we don't get any..."

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani..." THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be. A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays..."

In one last effort here we attractive young men have taken on alter egos which may interest some of you women:

1. Gautam Kumar Raja, will now be known as Joshua Perreira
2. Sidin Sunny Vadukut, henceforth will be known as Dev Chopra
3. Ashwath Venkataraman is now Vijay Desai
4. Sudarshan Ramakrishnan no more, from now he is Barath Sharma
5. Gautam Chandrasekharan will now respond to Alyque Shah

Do mail me any time for a meeting with one of the above. One week notice if Italian or Chinese food is involved, or if the individual is expected to dance.

All credit for the article goes to Sidin Vadukut

Would you wanna lose it???

2006-07-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

I speak about the memories of love lost. Bitter breakups have for long tortured the human mind by bringing up sweet memories at all sorts of moments - least expected. But even then, even with the worst breakup aren't there always pleasant memories which we wouldn't care to lose.

This thought struck me yesterday after seeing the movie which dealt with the same topic. And I think if they ever managed to make a machine which would have someone go through all their memories of the relation we would never see a relation fail. Inevitably when a relation goes sour its because we forget the reason we originally fell in love with the person in the first place, the things that once delighted us become the very things we cant stand. And the things that we hid from each other in the beginning, thinking they were small issues end up causing walls the length of the 'Great Wall'.

After seeing the movie, I went and lay down on my mattress in my home away from home away from home :) and the I tried going over the special moments I have shared with the few women who came to mean more to me then anyone else in my life. And the more I thought about them the more I realised that in almost every relation I have had, I have grown into a better person through their influences. Even if they havent always ended the way I would have wished, they have always left me with a part of themselves sometimes silly others extremely nice.

It would be so useful to be able to go over your life, just looking in as you traversed the roads. See where you made your mistakes, see if you learned from them and if not make a note to learn and never repeat them (well maybe not never, but atleast try and avoid repeating them). See the hidden moments that passed which you missed, the signals given that were never heeded.

Yes it would be a beautiful thing indeed. And in this light would you actually wanna forget these memories. Imagine losing a person you love, and thinking the solution to avoid the pain is to simply have the memories of having ever loved the person removed completely. Its a frightening thought, and at times when we feel like taking such a drastic step the thought that should come to our minds, corny as it may be is 'It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all'.

Explosion

2006-07-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Just saw this movie, starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet called 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. Its left me gasping for air and restless, very restless. It has me scratching the walls and begs me to exit this cave up in the mountains and go to the woman I love. Only I cant... for she is an image in my mind and wont have me come to her.

People go through life hunting for meaning and hopefully find answers before they die. Some go through life never wanting to know anymore then they already do, happy to place their lives in the hands of others. What must it be like to live a life where the answers are already known, the questions are simple and the desire to learn is not the driving force, but rather it is the desire to experience what we know that driving us. We spend all our lives pursuing answers without really waiting and experiencing things, the rush to be somewhere, someplace, drives us to distraction.

This morning I woke up to a beautiful sight, and wished I could spend some time just enjoying the view but life wouldnt have that. The view swept on by and I had to move on with my life, feeling more drained by the experience then enervated. I looked for a while to see if it would come back but I was fooling myself, as I have always done so. Moments once gone never come back, they just leave you with memories of happier times and every so often when the wind blows through your hair you feel a caress that touches your heart and lips. Sometimes these moments bring tears to my eyes, and sometimes a faint smile but always they leave me happier to have just had the privilege of having been there in that moment and had the opportunity to experience for those few moments... BLISS!!!

Big mouth...

2006-07-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yup thats me, a classical ability over the years I seem to have perfected is the art to piss off those nearest and dearest to me. The good thing or the saving grace I guess is that I never intend the results, cos if I was deliberately doing them I can see a very lonely future for me.

I managed a ridiculous 80+ hrs working last week, and this week I'm rapidly approaching the same number and I am slowly but surely becoming a wreck. I am making simple blunders and cant focus on anything properly any more, things I took for routine are starting to get me bogged down, and this is resulting in me hitting emotional lows. That's really frustrating, I have managed to have a relatively happy month and now this... there were times in the recent past when I was contemplating walking away from it all, the farce that I seem to be currently immersed in. Foolish things are becoming the prime focus of my life.

I see a phase of alienation of all those around me coming up, I already have distanced myself from most around me quite content in being alone. It doesnt help I guess that when I wish to talk there's never anyone to talk too, even when I am sitting beside people I care most about I cant seem to open up anymore. Is it anymore? No, I think I have always had difficulty opening up to others. A weakness which never lets anyone get really close to me. A weakness that will ensure that when I distance everyone, they wont make any effort to try to keep in touch.

Idle Musings

2006-06-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

Theres a world of opportunities opening up all around us, every moment a million paths stretch out in front of us and all we have to do is pick and choose which future we wish to call our own. There are parallel universes runnning simultaneously about us where other images are carrying out their daily activities each moving along similar paths maybe only differing in small ways or maybe in huge ways, even more exciting behind us is a million paths each converging from different lives where we made choices which caused our lives to rejoin for fleeting moments. Maybe these moments are when we feel the feeling of 'deja vou', a pretty proposition no?

I have to confess a huge sense of dissatisfaction creeping back into my life which has been missing for the last year. I am losing my sense of purpose that has kept me driven over the last year, I think this last semester was very bad for me as a student - working my ass off and not getting rewarded with a couple of A's has me questioning myself. This overall sense of disappointment in myself has me questioning my life and the path that I have chosen for myself not that I plan to quit it anytime in the near future, no thats not crossed my mind with any degree of seriousness cos quite frankly while I tire of studies I dislike working a lot more and know I enjoy the feeling of camaradrie that can only be found in the college atmosphere.

I saw an amazing movie titled 'Inconvenient Truths' starring - Al Gore, hehe yes same dude who stood for elections back in 2000. Its a 1.5 hrs movie talking about 'Global Warming' with him trying to bust up myths and present a clear message to the people and also show the false policies of the US and other Developed Nations. While not trying to be threatening the movie manages to give chills every so often and more often then not the statistics leave you shaking your head. While I never doubted the existence of 'Global Warming', the steadily rising levels of CO2 in the atmosphere has me scared. More then ever I ask myself what kind of world we will leave for our children, if we leave any at all that is... Check out the movie and while at it go to this site http://www.climatecrisis.net/ and find out what you can do to reduce your personal CO2 emissions (short of not breathing that is hehe).

Moments of Clarity...

2006-06-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

I keep falling into the trap of using big words while knowing only part of their meaning. Its like a never ending circle, I keep telling myself to shut up but when the moment comes I can assure my place in the hall of ass-es by opening my mouth and stuffing the big boot down it. The funny thing though, is that most of the times only I realise that I am fooling myself which, while a relief, is very sad to me that I can so often be so hollow.

A thing that I love back home was the way I could travel, I could move about on my bike and generally roam about carefree and without a worry in the world, but here its not so. In the US I need to take into consideration the fact that I am broke 95% of the time, also that I dont really have much time on my hands to go too far, and when I do travel (which inevitably is driving to the observatory and back) I cant stop on the side of the road and just sit there (cos its illegal to stop on the side of the road unless ur car is messed up).

That brings up another point I realised when I went up to the observatory this last week - that I was surrounded by beauty on all 4 sides. I am really excited about some photographs that I have taken and really hope they capture the time... Sitting up there on the edge of the valley nothing below my feet I realised that my worries are so petty, that the world is infinitely large and the possibilities infinitely larger. That love has not left my life, but just changed forms. The people have not left me but rather they have become more permanently ingrained in my being and that the farther I go from them the closer they seem to be reaching a point where I dont need to be with them, but am still with them all the time. Its a beautiful place and the setting was wonderful, I just wish I could take the time to do it more often. But right now I make this resolution, by the end of this summer I shall have checked out all the 'naturally' beautiful places in and around this place. Hopefully I wont have a problem doing it.

On a completely tangential topic, has anyone noticed how just before any election in this country something seems to happen in Iraq. They found Saddam just a few days before the last election, Zarqawi was found dead just before the mid-term elections to be held soon. Coincidences??? I think not....

Sometimes we enjoy...

2006-06-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

Life moves on...

2006-06-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

The pages of time, whisper softly in the wind and as I stare out at the softly glowing sky I see faces young and old who have affected me through the years... Some stayed through many pages and crafted a chapter for themselves and others were visitors for but a day...

But even years down the line, when I look back I am surprised at the emotion each page draws out of me, the tears flow at time and laughter rings out in silent corridors at others, the halls are empty now and while I do not regret their current appearance I do wish they didnt not have the gloom that shadows the glitter and beauty that surrounds me.

Further and further do I wish to move away from it all and with the disappearance of things which matter to me, I slowly but surely see a lesser desire to mix with the animate surroundings of the tapestry that I call 'Life'.... I get no relief, only an annoying desire to extricate myself from it all, a desire to get away from it all... And yet I cant let go of it all, faces swirl about me haunting me in the night, and tempting me with promises they never can keep.

The night is indeed young, as is my life and yet as I look forward and look behind I see them both hitting the horizon without seam... My life is unending, I am an ocean, I am the Sun.... I wish to drink from the ocean of life, feel the waves of my mother crash against my breast.. Awake in the arms of beauty and spend days alone in the solitude of a presence who knows the value of silence...

There is a calm beauty in silence and in the breeze blowing through the trees, which both soothe and cause a shiver down my spine...

Q&A

2006-06-04T03:44:00.000-07:00

Yup still awake... An hour since my last post i have traversed the internet in search of friendly faces. Their writings seem to put me at ease, because I seem to see a similar form of confusion in their words.

They seem to calm me, and indicate a path which is less painful. It insists on introspection but demands no pain, something which I was starting to believe is the only way to study one's actions. The more I peer within, the more I realise that there's a little child scared and begging to speak with me. I think its time I let him out and spoke to him not as an adult to a child but as a companion whose seen some of the things that have led to his being trapped in a cage all by himself without a light to show him the way out.

What am I saying? The thing is there's so many thoughts running through my head in a random zigzag manner (closley resembling brownian motion I believe) that coherency is not always achieved (nor many-a-time desired). Another question is of course, does it make sense to me - and the answer is 'Why yes it does', I see exactlt where all these thoughts come from, and I know what exactly it describes. If on the other hand you ask - 'Can you explain it to me' - I would have to beg your forgiveness, I am not writing for clarity nor is the purpose to be understood, no today the purpose i to be as ambiguous as possible and yet get out as much as I could. But even with this goal I know that there are still people who will read this and shake their heads and know exactly what I am talking about, and to them I say 'You know me too well!!!'.

A year down the line I wonder how much closer I will be to certain goals. I know for a fact that in this last year I have come a long way from where I was. I still remember these days last year, it was the time I was running around from Nasik to Pune to get ready for the VISA Interview which was scheduled for June 21st (I believe)... The hustle and bustle, the wiery travelling schedule, the financial difficulties and fudging of forms. Answering questions, making questions... So much effort went into getting things in preparation, to getting a foothold into this extremely challenging field. And while I crib and cry that things aren't going the way I want them, I really wouldnt change a thing cos I know that I am finally doing something I love, with people I admire and that while I could have been in a better school I dont let that get me down, because I know some day I will be where I wish to be. I know it, I feel it...

Where am I going???

2006-06-04T03:08:00.000-07:00

The Reason

2006-06-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

Cant stop listening to this song...

The Reason
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.....

I just wish I could find a way to upload songs... I'd put this song up...

Emptiness

2006-06-04T02:43:00.000-07:00

A void formed in my life... A space I didnt realise was present in me, which I have been trying in vain to fill... Its 3am and I need to talk to someone... I had to call my mom but she couldnt help cos I cudnt have me breaking down on the phone, since that would only put the dear lady into a state of worry for her lil boy...

Can we ever achieve a place of complete peace, I have to hope so because ever since I had a conversation with someone close I am feeling uneasy with myself. I dont like what I have done and what I am becoming, and no matter the assurances others give me I know myself better than they do and see that I am walking a fine line.

I need something which I cant completely define, he/she/it would have to be a multi-headed dragon who can be a confidant, a protector, a friend, a lover, a presence. I know I had something that could have been the solution if things had worked out in my favor, but I lost out and that means that I must continue living in the hope that this presence would help me by crossing my paths in the future.

I've never been the kind of person who stays depressed over a long period, but every so often in the night when the loneliness hits most hard I stop and realise that I have been missing an integral part of me for a more then a year. For a short period I had a balm applied to me, which hid the wound but that balm is now slowly wearing off and I can feel the wound all over again. It hasn't healed in these months, but instead seems to be hitting me harder then ever with renewed vigour...

Ruminations

2006-05-31T02:32:00.000-07:00

A break from New York to give people an update about what is happening in my life currently (Not what happened, 2 months back)... Hmmm, nothing!!! Okay kindly go back to your life now, and leave me to investigate the pathetic existence I am carrying out in peace. As you can see I am in a bit of a negative mood, I don't know if that necessarily the right word. No not negative, I would call it introspective mood.

Spoke with a person today and I told her, rather I reminded her about something she had told me in the morning but the manner I put it forth hurt her. And it led to a whole series of fights that have left me asking questions of myself. A few days back a very good friend of mine pointed out how farcical I am and how foolish I am to sit on my 'high horse' and try lording over others when in truth my situation is more like that of the foolish king without any clothes on.

I keep talking about this life being an illusion and is nothing more then a learning ground where we stumble about finding the path that leads us onwards in the existence of ourselves. Not necessarily bound to our bodies but beyond it as well. Well if that is the case I can attest to the fact, that I haven't really moved very far from where I initially begun...

Fear is a crippling feeling, it drowns all rational thought and leaves one open to the world to be preyed upon. When you fear something you start deluding yourself to the facts of the world. People aren't here to hurt you, they aren't even here to please you. They are just here to move on, in the way some of them interact with you whether the hurt/please you is not really a function of them, but rather it is something that's all your doing...

When I look back at some of the things I have done in my life (which while being short has a pretty long list of atrocities) I am not just ashamed but appalled at how many times I have let foolish tendencies that I can only call the 'baser' emotions of my makeup take control off me and rule my mind. I have ranted and raved at the people I love. I have hurt them. I have teased and tormented people trying to befriend me, making my whole character extremely unappetising. I have coveted what I cannot have and tried hurting people who do have it, rather like a child who wants a sweet which he/she cannot or should not have. When I do look at these things it makes wonder what really motivates me, is it greed. It is a hunger to succeed, to be famous. Because for ever nice thing I seem to do, I have a long list of nastiness that I seem to be accruing almost every minute of my life.

What surprises me even more then all this is that even after all this there people who still can look at me and see something more. Something that makes them feel that they would like to know me. And I often wonder, are they seeing ME - the real me. Or are they seeing an image I have learned to portray which projects something that doesn't approach the complete story... I only hope its the former and that I am not fooling myself into believing something completely false. Because in the end isn't that what it ends up being, put the image up so long that you forget how convoluted you really are and instead of trying to solve the problem in the first place you start believing that the problem was never with you but instead with the people around you...

Day 3

2006-05-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

I reach NY after an early start and get to the Port Authority Bus Terminus and after much walking about in circles I finally decided to go back home because I couldnt find my way outta the fricking bus terminus to get to Grand Central from where I had to catch the train to meet my darling sister who was at that moment snoring her head off while I was trying to locate the nearest exit. Man it was an annoying 15 minutes, which I finally solved using my old tracking technique which says 'move in the general direction of where you think you need to go, and you'll eventually get exactly where you believe you should be...' (though many a time that might the mental asylum) .

Anyways I reached there after walking through all of New York and reaching the famed NY underground which I must say is - pardon the french - "FUCKING AWESOME'. Those guys have the most amazing network I have ever seen, jeez theres not a place in the city that I went where the trains dont connect you (mind you I was primarily on the tourist circuit), but nonetheless it is an amazing network. Getting to GCT from PABT involved a slow underground, reaching there I entered a station which in many countries would have passed off as a palace.

Ok finally leaving the station we move to Milford where I braved the freezing climate (actually it was according to my sis pleasant, but hey I came from SD where it was sunny) and spent a few fine hours with my sis n her hubby darling. The two then decided that it would be best for my health to spend a few hours with them in the cheerful melting pot that is New York City, and we exited their house and drove off to NYC in the wee hours of 4pm (HEHE)... They led me to a place commonly known as 'Times Square' (Yeah!!!) and showed me 'Rockefeller Center' (Yahoo!!!) finally ending the night with a sumptuous meal at what can only be called quintessential 'American Cuisine' (we ate at 'Hooters' - I think, I seriously dont remember!!!)...

Another very important thing I completely forgot to mention was that while we did the normal things like wander around times square, going to the 'Hard Rock Cafe', and seeing the 'Radio City', we did something really cool we skated in the 'Rockefeller Center' that was an awesome experience, though my skates kept getting lose and then I'd lose complete balance and try to kill myself... Phew some really life threatening moments were there in that half an hour on the ice... I think people started selling tickets to come watch the crazy Indian on the ice, who was trying not only to kill himself, but all the skaters around him as well (btw thats me attempting the famous trip spin and landing on the knees routine, went pretty well actually)...

By the time we got outta there, I was about half dead and just wanted to get home and go to sleep... I'm surprised I didnt fall ill after all that (I did that 2 days later, hehe)... Catch the rest of the exciting adventure later... 'Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel'....

Start of trip

2006-05-24T13:12:00.001-07:00

So then where was I, oh ya last I remember I was telling you a couple of months back that I would be writing about my spring break... So well here goes...

Day 1 - 2 (Fri - Sat)

Left SD on the 10th to go to Newark, where I met up with an old friend and we then went to her Univ which is in Nearby Pennsylvania... Spent a couple of days with her, enjoyed the time I spent with her immensely.

Unfortunately she didnt have a car and I hadnt recieved my license yet so we could neither rent a car nor borrow one but thts not a prob we checked out the local areas and apparently my coming had brought along with it SD weather so we were actually able to roam around and get some viewing without getting our butt frozen solid...

I left LeHigh Valley on Sunday morning for New York from where I travelled further to go to Milford to join my cuzin sis, who was only too glad to see me (though the beard did piss her off big time :) )... Rest of the trip in the next entry...

p.s : the middle pic is not from this trip, it wasnt snowing when I got there... also getting these damned photos to align is a real headache...

New York!!!

2006-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

'Procrastination', the word invented - for the student (describes us perfectly), by a student (m sure), and of the student (in this case - procrastinator)... So why do I go into the dreary details of the origin of this (ha! like I did anything of the sort, I just made up some random bullcrap), it is to explain why even a month after completing my 'AWESOME' spring break holiday I still havent written a single word on it. Well my dear readers (and I know theres simply millions of you, just only 2 ever bother commenting) I plan to rectify this huge fault in the scheme of my life (dont ask me to explain this line...) and write about the week I spent during my spring break having in laymans terms... A Fucking Ball (Laymen abuse a lot dont they???) (Also have you noticed the number of brackets I have in this blog entry, I think m using brackets instead of 'full-stops', and for my Amriki friend out there, thats what we Indians call a 'period' - '.')...

Well here first of all is the itinerary of my trip (oddly enough I always spelled and pronounced this word as 'itenary' - yes, I know my english standards are failing in America hehe)

1) San Diego to Newark (New Jersey) - 5 to 6 flight
2) Newark to Bethlehem (Pennsylvania) - Spend a day there with an awesome friend.
3) Bethlehem to Milford (Conneticut/New England) - Spend 4-5 days with my 5 month pregnant sister
i) In this period do daily trips from Milford to New York (2 hrs either way) and have kick ass fun
ii) Try and see Milford and New Haven with Anu Chechi ( 'Chechi' - Sister in Malayalam)
4) Milford to Newark to San Diego - 3 hrs + 6 hrs = 9 hrs trip (OOUU - FUCKING - CCCHHHH!!!!)

Ok now in this trip I plan to elaborate on the New York part of my holiday, nothing else is for the public, strictly on a need to know basis and anyone who needs to know 'knows'.

Now lets see....
What I think I'm going to do is, is make this more then one blog entry... I shall list each day what I did and then post pictures and small write-ups of all the awesome things I did on the day... And since you guys n gals have nothing better to do then read this crap, you'd better sit back and enjoy it.

Ok I've changed my mind - I just tried making a list of things I did, with the intention of elaborating and I realised that in the process I was basically listing everything and then would have nothing really to write about... So instead I'll just post everything in following few blogs...

Keep reading to find out if I survived New York or not... Oh wait, I'm writing this, so m alive - damn that kills the suspense. Hmmm!!! Well I guess that means i'm not making this blog of mine into a murder mystery novel...

I like not this world...

2006-04-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

And hence I was born, to improve it... Bother me not with the mundane and the commonplace for born am I not to deal with them nor fit am I for their dreary details. But laden me down with desecration of beauty and killing of beasts and rise I shall, with song at heart and fire in eye and smite down the dastardly villains who dare cast an evil eye...

Ok and besides this I am really rotting on my homework and research work. Argh!!!! Frustrations-ville thats what I'm living in right now. No matter what I do I never seem to get time to relax and waste time without worrying about work pending (not that it stops me from wasting time, just now I feel bloody guilty about it!!! Hopefully the guilt will pass, hehe).

I actually planned to make this a very short blog entry, just to get my frustrations and my fantasizing out of my system, but I think I'll just abuse some people since I am online and typing away anyways. The only problem I'm facing is how short a list to make it, I mean I have no problem in naming people whom I'd dearly love to abuse... but if I indulge in this I very well could be here all night making up vile names for all the vile people who currently in a 25 mile radius of me (notice the mile notation, full amriki I've become!!!)... Also a good point is, should I restrict the list to people who currently hover around my sphere of existence or should include all the vile beings who I've ever met in this lifetime...and remember....(maybe include the vile dudes from previous lifetimes too). See what I mean? the list appears to be something that could go on and on and on...

I'm guessing that the day I achieve peace in my life is the day I sit down to make such a list and find no names come to mind, more like the thought of making such a list will not even emerge in my mind... So basically at the end of this discourse I have come to the conclusion that forget the betterment of the people, I need to focus on getting into better shape mentally and emotionally... oh ya and physically (damn this ice-cream I just had is not going to help in the last of those tasks)...

Roommates.com

2006-04-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

House hunting – more like room hunting… That’s the in-thing for me right… It’s completely and totally consumed all my attention (more like last 2 days…).

The frustrating thing with doing this is most sites advertise themselves as being free, but when you actually want to contact someone they throw up varieties of memberships at you which would permit you to either a) view the details, or b) give you the permission to mail them… And for a ‘chipdoo’ like me, both these options do not hold any appeal. So how does one like me hunt for housing and room-mates? By the awesome power of craigslist of course. Using this fabulous site that allows other cheapskates like me to get their work done for free. I have been making serious attempts at solving my housing problem…

For the uninitiated, what is my housing problem I hear you ask, sigh it is a long a painful story… it all began the day I left my nest and flew on a metal bird across half the world to the land where the lady stood guard. On arrival I was greeted by many an individual, friendly at first but concealing varying levels of insanity not wholly unlike mine own. Once I immersed myself in the land of guile I soon came to realize that to maintain/preserve what little sanity I had remaining I would need to extract myself from the dungeons in which I found myself thrown into by the evil ‘School of Dread and Sick Ultras’ (or SDSU for short). I was surrounded on all sides by hungering people desperate to partake of my soul and drink from my cup, leaving me not a drop of peace in an ocean of chaos. The final straw came in the form of a Demon smoke pouring from all sides who insisted on sharing my space, pushing and prodding me and making me feel like I was an experiment whose conclusion only he knew. The foulness of this being got me thinking and led me to the knowledge that peace only lay in leaving the foul lair of the beasts and wandering forth into the land where not one knew what would face me!!!

Well besides these pains I had a car which meant that my previously desperate situation had considerably eased out now. I could stop living like a beggar and start looking for a place where I would have my own room, not a place in the frickin ‘dining room’. Though there’s a new problem facing me now, a question of money… affordability is causing me much heartache. The good places would leave me with no money to fend for myself in the day to day expenses that I must inevitably pay, and the bad places have rooms that look like the closet in my old place… What! Oh what shall I do? Hopefully I’ll have an answer by next week.

Anyways till then ciao…

Note: the reason I don’t write much is not cos I don’t like it, it’s because I’m under a veritable deluge of work. Man I have never worked this hard in my entire life. It’s really painful.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

How is it that PhD's can be sooooo stupid??????????

I mean you have a mid semester exam coming up and instead of being given time to study properly, these dudes come up with new methodsof torturing the students...

Here I am sitting in the department from dawn unto dusk; exam in a coppla days. 'Doing what? Studying', you ask.... HA!!! Is my reply to that, ha!!! because that is all that I have left within me. Weeks of annoyance and anger tinge the 'ha!!!' in colors never before viewed, i must add though, do not make the simplistic assumption that this is a 'ha' of meagre proportions.... NOoooo.... this is a HA!!! which would have been an essay in discontent and many an educative adjective to the character of the vile individual who decided to descend from the depths of hell and burden my already laden shoulders with further weight of the world.

Studying a course should be more then sitting in a class and then doing homework. I cant believe that all the discoveries in the world have come forth from people doing nothing else, of course I believe it was Edison (the smug bastard) who said 'Invention is 1% Inspiration and 99% Perspiration'. I am sure he must have been in a Sauna while saying this, with all the sweat clouding his thinking.

I personally am of the opinion that if you cannot create time in life to enjoy the beauties surrounding you then you have lived a very poor life. Now I deny not the truth that nothing in life that is worth anything, comes after putting in a bit of effort. But I want to draw a line when the effort has to be put in the 25th hour of the day (remaining spent doing various varieties of homeworks, none let me add done in the comfort of my home)....

If anyone has a sure fire way to make me rich, famous, and happy without having me have to sign over my soul and my life, then kindly comment... At this moment I might just accept...

My Friend...

2006-03-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who I love very deeply... Its a love as complicated and as simple as all love can be!!!

There is respect and there is trust and above there is a deep rooted conviction of her being a good human... Afsos yeah pari kabhi hamaari nahi ho sakti hain.... kyu ki yeah to asmaan ko chooti hain aur sitaron ko chumti hain... hamse pyaar to karre jaroor par kya kare kissi aur ki pyaar hain yeah!!!

So then why do I keep the light burning, because she makes me feel good about myself. She helps me look at life with a balanced view point and boy does she keep me from getting an inflated head. Her smile makes me smile and her laughs sets alight a flame in my heart...

In a short while she has become as important as anyone I have ever known, and if she were ask it of me I know for a fact that I'd go to great depths to help her out (the best I could do without a corny dialogue, like I'd give my life for her, hehe)...

There's so much that i want to say, and then there's so much that I would never want to have anyone know... But she came into my life as a breath of fresh air and she remains as refreshing as morning dew...

Moods

2006-02-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Fatigue has a way of coloring the world in colors other then rosy or pink. Heh but then so does alchohol and drugs, but thats going off on a tangent. As I happened to be saying fatigue has me right now contemplating the point of it all. The fight to survive, whether its actually worth it or if we in our struggle to prove our superiority aren't just deluding ourselves?

This question has occured to me several times, always when worried, over worked or in general pissed off at things not going my way (notice the pattern)... I think abject poverty also has this effect of depressing the soul, they say money doesnt buy you happiness. I think 'they' are 'very rich' and 'full-of-shit'...

I really am lost, I started writing this blog today with the feeling that I had something to say but somewhere along the bitching and abusing I seem to have lost much of the motivation for writing and now have decided to fill the rest of my entry with total crap. Which I might add, is going to read very similar to my normal blog entries since that is what I always do (write crap that is). Frustrating while this might be for my fans I really cannot help it, I'm too tired to think clearly.

Oi wait I got it, I can write on my experiences in India. When I went back home just now for my elder bro's wedding, got to meet everyone again (YEAH!!!) and do some travelling and in general spend time home and have a total ball. Let me tell you there was a part of me which was wondering wtf I was doing coming back to the US. Oh and realised that I'm not very keen on marriage (after 751 people come up to you and say, 'So young man, now your line is clear' or 'Beta abhi to agla tumhaara number hain' I was quite sick of it).

Also I realised that while the Orriya's are a lovely people and everything marriage in their people is not a joyous event, its a method of torture. Where you are made to wear all sortsa crazy headgear and camphor necklaces and sit in a frickin marriage mandap for 4 hours listening to people go on and on about crazy things. So anyone approaching me with a marriage proposal, beware my hackles are up I might just scream and kick the shit outta you. Dont be messin wit me on dat topic.

Lotsa other stuff also happening in my life, with me back in the US and school pickin up pace (with me missin 10 days of school, m playing catch up)...

Anyways I think I've wasted sufficient time typing out another blog which no one will read... Ciao people, till next month hah...

Confusion Reigns On...

2005-12-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

Will somebody tell the world to get a grip on itself!!! Its like a cheesy flick come to life... I mean to see George Bush come out and make a statement 'that around 30000 Iraqis had died' in his 'so-called' war on terrorism, with a smile on his face. It saddens me deeply.

What frightens me, is that by the time the Iraqis actually achieve freedom, there might not be any Iraqis left to enjoy it.

Another startling statistic was brought to my notice by my office mate today, to revenge the 3000 who died in the 9/11 attacks, Bush has already killed 30000 in Iraq (not even counting the Afghanis who died before that), and another 2000 American Soldiers have been killed in Iraq (again not counting the soldiers who died in Afghanistan).

I wonder how many people have to die, before people realise that violence does not lead to peace, violence begets more violence... And all this war on terrorism (I dont know why but I initially typed 'war on peace', subconcious messages huh) is doing is creating an atmosphere of hate and deep suspicion amongst the people of the world. Not only that, for a country that maintains its committed to freeing the people of the world. The US government should see its actions and wonder whether its actions are truly democratic. Bush is behaving highly dictatorially, and high-handedly in his dealings with all and sundry. And that my friends is not how a democracy is supposed to work, and for a country supposedly spreading the good word of democracy the US government needs to seriously address the unrest back home. Because when the public doesnt support a cause, then in a democracy that cause is not supported by anyone.

What Bush and his cronies have forgotten is that they are in power to govern their country, not manage other countries. Stop policing the world, and deal with the mess that is the US Fiscal Policy, sign the fucking Kyoto Protocol. Deal with the damage that hurricanes 'Katrina' and 'Rita' havocked... Help your own before you go about trying to help others (if thats what they are after, and not the oil)!!!

I'm alive...

2005-12-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

I am me...I am free...

Not bound by anyone anymore, I can soar to the sky without anyone holding me back...

This freedom is bittersweet and hasnt come without its share of sorrow. Nothing saddens me more then the knowledge that life as I have been living it, is now coming to an end.

I didnt know yesterday whether to cry or laugh, and while both emotions were warring within me I do believe it is the sorrow that was winning out, because what I was leaving behind was something so important to me that it felt like tearing away a part of me, but in the end I believe that parting might be the best solution for this problem.

The way it worked out might be the best because this way we wouldnt have to deal with the pain by re-establishing anything, only to realise much later that we have made a huge mistake. Wisdom as they say is seldom won easily, and in this case I'd say it came at a price I wouldnt care to pay again.

Looking out of my lil window in my office, the day is gray again with clouds all about and not a ray of sunshining anywhere, kind of like my situation right now where I know the light is there somewhere, at this point its just not visible to me directly.

Well time is the only healer and I shall let time take her course in healing me of the rents in my heart. Adios

Cool m Aragorn...

2005-12-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

What LoTR Character Are You?

In me...

2005-12-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

I started this post differently originally and then modified the post because what I wanted to say wasnt coming out properly, so I decided I'll go it the normal way and keep rambling till I feel that taken in a whole my message gets out there. That maybe tomorrow when I read what I've written I'll see myself what it was that I was trying to say which at this moment is a jumble of emotions disorganised and confusing to me...

I saw a movie today, a good presentation of India, being played in the Imax here, titled 'Mystic India'. Its been made by a foreigner so yes his comprehension of the land sometimes seems to me to be a little fanciful. It reminded me that my life is a search (if I ever forgot it). It also made me realise that in the recent past life has been good on a whole, and that I've been feeling more at peace with myself then I have been in a while. And that is reflecting through into my life, I'm smiling a lot more feeling less depressed and its taking a lot more to annoy me...

While saying that I remember that I am going home in 20 days or so... and I wonder if that has any factor in improving my mood any bit! It might, subconciously I know I will be home soon and that I am sure is contributing hugely to my recent upliftement of moods.

But I am also worried about the fact that I am going to be missing school (5-7 days), and I am just not able to set up my thesis adviser which means that I will be missing on a lot of work during the winter break and that sucks. I desperately want to be successful next semester in improving my GPA, which is languishing in the B+ range and thats not where I wanna be...

Hopefully the next week will be a lot more productive (meaning I'll actually get some work done)...

As I end this entry I wanna paste what I had originally intended to write (I feel that this is what I actually wanted to express, but it was too stark for me, so I had to embellish it with inane fillers)

In me... (Now you know wht I meant by the title)
There is Love...

There is Passion for life...

There is Hope... for:
A better tomorrow
A greater comprehension of myself

There is Pain...

There is Light...

Enjoy life people....

The Dreamers

2005-12-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/the_dreamers/

When I purchased this movie, I thought it would be good, after watching this movie I know its good.

I don’t wish to write a review of the movie, and so I wont. Instead I’ll tell what was running through my head as I was watching this movie. What I wanted the movie to be, not what it was... What was going through my head which Bertolucci tried to display but didnt quite get there...

I need a little time to arrange my thoughts so I guess I shall be writing this for some time now…

A movie that makes you think is always one that leaves you at the end, wondering whether you truly got the message that the director wanted you to get… or whether somewhere in the middle you veered off the path designated for the movie watcher and strayed onto an uncharted path not knowing what you will find there…

I kept wishing that the movie move in a particular way, and surprisingly enough each time it seemed to move in the directon I willed to move in. Though never did it quite explore it fully...

The folly of man is that in the struggle to change things for the better he commit the same errors that his enemies did, intending to change the future we create new monsters. We fight violence with violence.

Today or tomorrow the US executes its 1000th prisoner. Tell me how that helps prevent crime. How are you better then the enemy when you commit the same crime as them. When you kill hundreds of thousands of people in the name of freedom, don’t you realize that they are doing the same??? That your war rhetoric is infact theirs too!!!

Violence, greed, gluttony are all sins shared by both sides and yet one side claims to be superior to the other because it believes that its reasons are superior.

When you have an impartial view, when you detach yourself from the goings on, and view the issue at hand you realize that in reality both sides look the same. It’s the classical case of an Orwellian World, where like on the ‘Animal Farm’ the rulers change but in reality nothing changes.

I was struck more so by this movie, because it was set in the last 60’s when france saw a bloody revolution between the students and the authorities and in the end violence ensued. Violence to prevent the authorities from using violence, and I thought today we see the same scenes in France. With everything burninig, and I thought those students who yesterday fought in the revolution must today be the authorities. Has anything really changed. I know people will say that the reasons are different but isn’t violence in the end all the same??? Aren’t people dying whatever the reasons… Isn’t Jihad the Islamic word for ‘freedom struggle’…

Who are we kidding? As Shakespeare said ‘To Thine Ownself Be True’. Are we? Isnt this whole charade an elaborate plot to keep the shroud firmly on our heads.

Theres a line in the end when the one character tells his friend ‘This isn’t you, this is not our way… violence is not our way, ours is the way of the mind… ours is the way of love and making love’

Have we ever succeeded? Did Gandhi really succeed in his Ahimsa movement? Is India the country of Love…Brotherhood…Freedom, its not. A freedom struggle is not about the removal of the ruling class by the oppressed. It the releasing of the oppressed from their shackles and incorporating them in the world. You do not achieve feeedom by removing the ruling class and then replacing them with your own people…

I don’t think man has ever achieved freedom and I doubt I even know what freedom, true freedom is….

Changes

2005-12-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hey was in a highly motivated mood yesterday night. So what did I do, na not study thats wat the normal sods would have done. I went and changed my blog appearance. Total change, brought in some features, removed some crap... tried my level best to change the header image and failed (stupid f$%^$#%@ header)...

Morning sweet morning ... I still feel like sleeping

2005-12-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel right now... Like a supernovae gone off, and all my innards thrown outwards in all directions!!!
Man that was some crazy dinner yesterday that could make me feel like this today, its one of the many difficulties when your staying in the US eating your roomies cooking, some days foods great (like when I'm cooking, hehe)... and other days you wake up wishing you hadnt woken up.

I have friends who post images of humongous chickens cooked to perfection, and state that it was an effort by her roommates. Well good for her I say, and I also say bring those frickin idiots to the US, what are they rotting about in UK for??? UK has too many indian eateries anyways, yu can get tandoori chicken on the streets without wasting so much effort. We on the other hand have to go hire a car (spending 100$), go to expensive indian restaraunt and empty our pockets for something similar, isnt that unfair (just to give yu a clue bout wat m ranting bout... heres the image for u to view)

Ok so the plate on which its served looks like it was bought to keep a 5 year old entetained but cmon check out the dish itself...lipsmackinly good it looks dont it??? (tho I wonder if these guys really cooked it, or just bought the damn thing. I mean look at that plate hehe)

Where Am I Going....

2005-12-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

I have come so far from where I started in search of answers but have I really moved towards an awakening? I don't know... While I thought that my search had brought me to the US where I would find answers little did I realise that life, she was laughing at my innocence.

Answers HA!!! There's now more questions then ever before, now I'd be the first to admit that I don't wish the questions not be there, cos to me that means I am living and my quest is moving forward. But for God's Sake... a few answers of the questions gone past, would be helpful. Piling on more questions doesn't help in any sort of way. I kinda feel like Neil Donald Walsch, before he wrote 'The Conversations With God', and while he was answered, I haven't or atleast its been too subtle for me to realise.

Makes me feel that god is not sexless as I believe, but rather has a predominantly feminine side... I mean who else could make the process of finding answers so excruciatingly painful and twisted, with never a straight answers and everything is implied... Its funny but as I was writing this, I realised that the friends who read this blog of mine are all women and that I very possibly might get a few words from them :)...

But then I'm not writing for them, dear friends though they are of mine...

I've taken a detour as I often do when I'm writing... I was in the process of complaining that I am not getting any answers, and when I get them they are encoded in what must be I'm guessing '128 bit security encoding'.

Hmmmm.... Maybe god is a programmer, and over the years has just gotten bored with the straight forward answering process that she designed a code to send answers, and obviously the bugs are still evidently being processed since I haven't been receiving any answers. I mean think about it, earlier god would appear in front of everyone, send down her kids as prophets and stuff but in the recent we've only received Bush and Blair!!! What kind of justice is this??? 2000 years back they got Jesus, earlier Moses, even earlier Vishnu, Shiva, an bramha. (Indian mythology states that we had thousands of gods...) We've really been on a downward spiral, I can only guess that gods replaced her earlier OS with Windows XP hehe... And in displeasure sent Bill Gates down to hell to torture him :)... I mean imagine having to live in a world where 70% of the computers work on Windows OS... That's gotta be a description of hell doesn't it?

Hmmm... so where was I? Oh ya answers to questions, well haven't received any but I am waiting and I'm sure something will come soon enough... I will focus on trying to listen more carefully to the world and what she's trying to tell me in the future, maybe that'll help....

I’m lost in my own mind…

2005-11-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

Depression covers the soul with a dark shroud and lets not a ray of sunshine through. I spend the nights staggering in the aisles of sorrow, drinking from the bottle of pain, alone and unknown.

People I knew are slowly disappearing, and new ones like shadows not fully formed influencing me and yet shying away from contact when I stretch my hand out towards them.

I had a love and a life somewhere far in the past, a past rapidly that’s becoming rapidly but a pleasant memory sometimes coming to taunt me at the plight that it finds me in today.

Where once there stood a tree and shade was there for me, today stands a barren field uncaring and hateful.

I am a pariah in an unknown land, lost in my own mind…

Ebulient and Hopeful

2005-11-12T22:56:00.000-08:00

I come to you in the hope that these words shall not be quenched this day. I find myself in an unparalleled position of being a man whose happy and unafraid of the future.

Theres a world out there and it beckons to my heart to go forth naked and unaffraid, to explore its wonders and to see its beauty by chucking off these invisible chains that i have bound around myself, securing me so firmly to this land that I cannot fly off into the darkness...

I wish to learn all, to feel everything and to dip my face in the cool flows of this earth, my mother and my friend...

I have always felt a longing to get away from all this claptrap that surrounds me, but today at this moment I feel the entire world pushing at me to get away from the mundane and to surround myself with the exotic, to sample to unknown, to understand the ancient mysteries... This urge is making me crazy between trying to decide whether to take the plunge and severe all relations, or to do what the world thinks is the sensible thing, and stick to my plan, which in the long run will take me where I wanna go but, oh just not fast enough....

What will I do... only time shall tell...

@#&^!$#%^

2005-10-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

Why are exams by design such stressful things... Have you ever heard the term as easy as an exam... NO??? WELL THATS COS THER AINT NO SUCH TERM...

While there may not be any such phrase, I heard a new phrase today. It goes like this, 'To get shafted by Shafter'. Without doubt one of the worst and most disorganised professors. He just stuck something very painful up holes that werent meant for this type of brutal use, and left 9 of us gasping for breath... very painful, very very painful.

The only thing keeping me going right now, is this very pleasant prospect of getting a chance to grade (or rather de-grade) him at the end of the semester... Rather pleasant run of mill thoughts running through mine and some of my other esteemed colleagues is... 'To Lynch or not to lynch' that is the question. If we do, I'm sure I'll report it on my blog, so keep your eyes open for it (might come in the papers too... Can just see the headlines 'Irate students, lynch dumbass professor').

Well thats all for now, got one more of these stinking things to write before I get a couple days of RnR...

What me worry!!!

2005-10-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

Its frustrating how one can blow an entire weekend on work without getting the satisfaction of 'something done'.

I just spent an entire weekend trying to coax a telescope into getting its 'Polar Alignment' done. But nothing we did would even begin to please the fello (almost like it had a mind of its own). After getting a first attempt done, we (my senior colleague and me) tried to have a second round of alignment (to get it even more precise, HA!!!) when we realised that the stupid thing was built in such a way that if we did not get the alignment done in a 1 hour time frame, we would be impeded in our efforts but a large wooden shack behind which 'Polaris' would go and hide... At this discovery (this after spending 2 hrs on the first alignment, and realising we'd have to do it all over again) we didnt know whether to cry, laugh, stamp our feet or try and use that new Chainsaw we saw below on the shack...

All in all we came back wiser men from that weekend me and Carlos. We realised that time is of the essence, and that telescopes are 'bitches' to program in absolute darkness.

Hmmm.... What next???

2005-09-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

When I was back in India, all of us used to sit at home and wonder how this country ever elected such an ass as the president, an obvious idiot leading the worlds largest economy left all of us dazed, and confused.

But since coming here, I've had a nice little revelation thats left me happy, the chaps here too dont no how the idiot being referred to came into power, which is small compensation for the atrocities being committed in the name of freedom, but atleast it means that he doesnt do it the name of the people of this formerly great country (now running itself into ruin...)

Moses

2005-09-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Bakwaas....

2005-09-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

HEHE, since coming here I have adopoted this as my standard statement. Its crazy but true, that in this land most of the things I have come across have made me feel that its BAKWAAS.

For the uninitiated 'bakwaas' is a strong way of saying 'useless' or 'lousy' more appropriately. I find many of the habits and activities which people indulge in the the US highly pointless and senseless. And even more odd than all this is the way we desi's behave here (firangs atleast are born and brought up here, so their wierdness is part of their upbringing). I happened to meet a coppla Mallu's today at the beach and had to face a couple of hours of asault on my ears of the girl and her brother speaking in a fake accent.

The girls been in the country for a month and has a more pronounced accent than the firangs here. Our British legacy has made a formerly proud people into such a bunch of farts, and losers that it makes me wanna puke.

As you can see am not in the best of moods today, which is funny since I've had a rocking day, playing baddy n havin a huge bonfire party at the beach. But cant help it, m suffering pms according to a friend :). Cool huh, male menopause and at such a young age too, but am an advanced being as I've always known and believed.

Well m growin old too, 24 tomorrow... Not in bad shape too, all the pieces are still working and should last me for the long haul (which I personally believe should be a fine and long life of 150 or so, hehe). so 24 gone and only 126 left to go. Wow that makes me feel better, I've not even finished 15% of my life...YEAH!!!!

Good nite, now I sleep or something....most probably something, feeling very restless....

Phew....

2005-09-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, many days later I am starting to adjust to the scene that is my life in the US. Not everything is perfect infact there is still much to wish and hope were different, but atleast some sort of a base is developing.

I have been gifted a good set of friends, and through no part of mine, my brother has a gem of a girl as his fiance (who might after these last couple of days be thinkin o exiting the family fast, of course taking me as the indicator of my family would be her biggest mistake :)))

One month in the US, SSN here, mobile here, laptop here. Wow I'm living a kings life in this most expensive of countries. Now if someone would just gift me a CAR!!! Ah, then life would indeed be "Sukhi".

Theres much to write unfortunately I have to run to class, and before that I have to take an appointment with the payroll office. So I shall be putting up another message in short time.

I'm here, now what???

2005-08-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

A long flight, nasty jet lag, and many hours of sleeping later here I am in the Unites States of America.

There is a sense of disappointment though somehow, as if I was expecting something more, which is somehow not present. I dont know what it is that is causing this underlying sense of dissatisfaction but I can feel it and that is souring one of the biggest adventures I have ever undertaken.

But with all this there is still a huge sense of excitement and anticipation. I have finalised my courses, the ones I plan to take up this sem. And I'm quite excited to be finally starting my MS, hehe even though I am taking up 2 undergrad courses. This sem I'll be taking things a little easy, taking only 3 courses, but if I can do the courses comfortably without feeling that I'm losing my mind or something, then next sem I might take up 4 courses, but that my friends is as they say a story for another day...

What a Scam

2005-06-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

Today at work when I was sleeping at my desk I was struck by a brilliant insight. The world's biggest scam is run every couple of years & instead of throwing the masterminds behind bars, we celebrate & rejoice (atleast some of us do) their return. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE SCAM THAT IS POLITICS...

Every couple of years politicians run around in helicopters and jets (funded by our cash), asking us for permission to allow them to continue spending our money, and to find new & innovative methods of taking away more of or money. Has there ever been a larger scam in 'scam-filled' past of mankind then the farce of democracy.

Democracy seems to have become a route for the criminal minded to legalise the crimes. What else can you call the atrocities the US is perpetrating on the world. The US in the name of democracy & freedom is killing thousands. In many ways, their current 'War against Terror' is telling evidence that there is something wrong in a system which allows a couple of people (I cant believe all Americans want this war) to commit acts of terror in the name of democracy.

There is something wrong in a system where public opinion counts only once in 4-5 years (and that too for a very short period) and at no other time.

There is something very wrong with a system that allows criminals (like in India) to run for office & get elected by holding people at gun point.

Where could such a system be taking the planet??? Not any place nice I'm afraid... Democracy is some few hundred years old & in this period hasn't achieved much but is still touted as some sort of 'MESSIAH' which will take us to a world of peace.

Democracy I am afraid was never designed for creating eternal peace. It was designed as a method of peacefully putting a cover of blindness over the people's eyes. It has substituted Kings with Committees. Where earlier there was one aristocrat (or royal family) now there are dozens. But the million or so others are still left out in the rain to scuttle for whatever cover they can find.

Democracy is also an effective means for the powerful to choose whom to have ruling different areas of the world. I mean do you actually believe that you and me have a vote. Have you ever been present when they are counting the votes (all we know is what they tell us). Do you believe Bush won his elections both times fair and square??? If you do then God Help You!!!

Democracy is not 'Of...By...For the people', its 'On...On...On the people' where the choice is forced ON us. I dont remember the last time I actually wanted to vote for a person, do you???

Yipee Kaiye

2005-06-21T04:07:00.000-07:00

Hehe all my friends in the US beware, Abhijith is coming to town :). This is a small announcement, as of this morning on the 21st of June I have recieved my US Visa, so now officially I can start packing my bags (hehe till now I was doing it unofficially, and hoping I would end making an idiot outta myself).

Now I would like to invite all my useless friends who have till now not extended an iota of help, to come forth and send me lists of what crap to bring, and what crap to avoid bringin, so you losers start creating some decent lists ok!!!!!!!

Hehe as is pretty visible from this entire blog entry, the adrenelin rush hasnt settled quite as yet, so instead of me wasting time writing more crap, I sign off.

Ciya

AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2005-06-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

The VISA process sucks…. That’s all for today… M feeling particularly pissed off today…. So up yours world….(Oh VISA hasn’t been rejected yet, just building the accounts till now…)

College days

2005-06-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

This article is dedicated to a new friend I made right here on this blog.

Many cultures across the world revere education, many others consider it a pain to go through with... But in no culture other than Indian do we have such mixed feelings about it. Indians both revile and adore it hehe or rather parents adore it, and children revile it. No where else in the world will parents put so much pressure on a 4th or 5th standard child to study, and nowhere else will a family stop interacting with the outside world because 'beta/beti' 10th mein hain.

With this background you can understand the obvious pride my parents felt when they got me into engineering in Pune at one of the best colleges...they were all about giving 'pedas' and stuff, with accompanying 'arre sunno's' and 'beta engineering kar raha hain's'. In the background somewhere I was there as well and through all this I went unaffected, because in my mind there were a few very important thoughts running through my head viz. 'i wonder if there will be pretty girls', 'will i finally get a girl friend', 'i wonder if there will be any hot delhites', etc...(all as you can see focussed on whether there would be a large presence of the opposite sex).

Nature it seems had other ideas. I dont know if the people who read this blog are male or female, engineers or non-engineers, but for the select few who are 'male' and 'engineers', my last para must have brough back memories, with a accompanying laughter for my private thoughts. They will be thinking 'poor bastard, didnt know what was going to hit him'. For the uninitiated let me explain why they males of the engineering clan would think the above crude/crass statement. I'll explain with an analogy, yu tell me if its good (bloody hell atleast that way I'll get some comments).

A friend of mine when he was in eighth shifted from Abu Dhabi to Nasik (where I did my schooling), he was enrolled in a local school on the recommendation of a sadistic family friend who recommended 'Xaviers' as being a fabulous school, and as school was out the young fool never saw his classmates till the first day of school. Imagine the horror of our young (and horny) friend when he stepped into school on the first day and found out (at this point I would like to take a minute of your time to point out how important it is to brush your teeth, dental hygiene is something all of us should be concerned about...hehehehe)... yes well he found out that the afore mentioned school was a 'All Boys School', needless to say he cried all day long and in the evening tried to kill his previously mentioned 'family friend', and is now doing 15 years for attempted murder at 'Tihar Jail' (hehe i love poetic license...though I'm writing a prose, so would it then be called 'prosetic license'...hehe sounds a bit pornographic doesnt it?).

So to make matters short, I think I saw 15 girls in my entire first day of engineering (the college while not actually all boys, might as well have been one...), I also realised that forget Delhites or UPites, there werent even Puneite girls in the bloody crappy college I happened to have decended into. In fact on the end of my first day when me and some friends were leaving the battle ground counting the surviving (poor analogy for how many girls were there...), me and a friend of mine came up with 7 in first year, while two other friends came up with a fig. of 8, and no matter how much we tried to convince them that they had miscounted, the young idiots remained firm in their conviction. So the next day we trooped forth to the battle ground to hold a re-count when... imagine our chagrin there were 8 girls in the first year (but in our defense the 8th girl was more masculine, and had a better moustache then me in those tender years).

Needless to say the four years of engineering made my view of girls very different. From a schooling where I was surrounded by girls, to an engineering degree where I had 8 girls in the entire natch of first year students (440 students) was a cultural shock which left me a shell of my earlier ebulient self :).

Though... I would like to believe that engineering gave me an additional appreciation of the women around me that I didnt have before (I had better add this line, cos my darling was earlier my classmate in the engineering days, and she reads this blog regularly, hehe hi sweetheart!!!).

Engineering was not so bad from my second year onwards, when we did have a few more girls in our class, but this is for all you non-engineers out there... if you ever hear any engineer say that he had a lot of girls in his college you know you can laugh at him quite safely.

BBye then...

Good and Bad...Really???

2005-06-02T10:02:00.001-07:00

What does it take to be a super hero? If you believe the cartoons – super powers mean ability to fly, or burn holes in the walls, or read other peoples minds.

What does it take to be super villain? If you believe the cartoons – super powers mean ability to fly, or burn holes in the walls, or read other peoples minds.

Wow did I just write the same thing twice? Actually no I didn’t. There was a tiny difference between the two lines, hero and villain, the only apparent difference was the changing of a single word, but if you go a little deeper then there is a world of difference. It’s not just a matter of two words but rather a matter of two distinctly different choices, the choice to work for the good of mankind, and the choice to work for the good or rather apparent good of the self.

If we believe the new age gurus, one should take care of the self, and only after we have overcome the self, should we look to help others (but a mind capable of overlooking the self, realizes that there is no other).

So then why is it that on the one hand we call villains in the cartoons BAD where all they are doing is helping themselves, while in self help books we call helping the self or being selfish, and putting the self first GOOD.

So I’ll come back to the original question, and put it in a different way… Are the super heroes of our comics idiots to be using their powers for others rather than for themselves???

Or is there something in the fine print of these books, which tell you put the self first, which I haven’t read or understood. While I can understand both lines of thought, when applied to a situation like the one mentioned above, my mind cannot find an answer... Atleast not yet...

Confusion

2005-05-10T01:57:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, now this is a fine mess I'm in, one I seriously never anticipated when I decided that I'm gonna be doing my further studies in Astronomy. I have 2 univs of virtually the same ranking, one giving me a MS in Astronomy, other in Physics, but the one in Physics is doing great research with Berkeley, n the others doing good research of its own but just not in extra-solar planet search (which is my primary area of interest).

Another thing is difference in cost of living, the Astro Univ is gonna offer me aid, is based in a cheaper city, while the Physics Univ has no aid, its a more expensive city (not by very much).

Now what I'm waiting for is the I20 which is supposed to reach me in the next 2-3 days which will give me a clue as to what extent of financial aid I'm recieving from the Astro Univ, I sure am praying for a good packet cos then I'm in serious crap to figure out my path.

I'm waiting to see what time brings in my direction.

Secrets...

2005-05-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

‘Should I learn to keep secrets?’ Have I based my life on wrong tenets, has the fact that I don’t like to keep anything secret been an ideal based on a wrong line of thought. I don’t know and this is something that has caused me to upset people close to me, but what I cant really understand is whether they are right at being upset or whether their reason is not as correct as they imagine it is…

I have always maintained as few secrets as possible, only things that simply cannot be avoided have I held close to my heart, but on all other topics I have allowed my thoughts to run free, I have shared my views and told everyone about them. But last couple of days have brought a pause to my actions and have led me to believe that closer introspection into the topic is required, and that, just to declare that things that do not matter to me shall not be kept as secrets by me is a highly hypocritical attitude to maintain. Either don’t keep secrets at all or if something is told to you as a secret then you should keep mum on it… but is that really the correct attitude to take???

I have always tried to say the truth, so would my now deciding to keep things secret go against this particular principle of mine. Of course while the above statements might sound highly damning, its not that I’m a blabber mouth, and that I catch the first passerby and tell him my store of secrets, its just that to the people close to me I try as far as possible to not hide anything from them.

I don’t know, I simply do not know………………………..

Whats this crisis we seem to be in...

2005-05-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

‘Crazy is as crazy does’, sometimes I think I’m crazier than all around me, and sometimes I think I’m the only sane creature on this planet.

I see things beings carried out in broad daylight in the name of the law, atrocities that we would be hung for, but done by the government they are accepted not just as law, but as Good Law. I see wars being fought and innocents being killed in the name of every god that’s currently in fashion and simply wonder whether I’m the one who’s wrong in objecting or whether I am simply born in times where such feelings are foolish.

I wish I could shake everyone awake to the realities of what is being perpetrated around us on a scale larger than anyone believes but unfortunately all everyone does when I tell them these and other stories is laugh and ask me for the proof, and all I have to tell them is ‘to look around them at the sorrow on everyone’s face, and the they will realize the truth themselves’.

Humans have become very complacent in their place of so-called supremacy and have given up all their basic rights in the name of progress. We have mp3 players which have built in GPS links, and everywhere we look there’s more ways of control being built into the system. Everywhere, some places in the name of security, other places in the name of redundancy, everywhere people are intruding into other people’s lives, trying to determine whether they are living their lives properly.

I ask all these people WHO THEY ARE, to tell me how to live, WHO THEY are to dictate terms to me. I see people tell me I’m young and hence I wont understand that life has to be lived a certain, well if that’s what old age means, ‘Giving up the principles on which you wish to build your life’ then I don’t want it I’ll kill myself before I allow myself to corrupt my basic tenets.

But then in the recent past, as people both in India and the US have witnessed the government just will not allow anyone to commit suicide will they? The right to die when you wish, where you wish is just not given to a human being. The right to die with dignity is just not something the humankind wishes to address; we would rather see a relative rot right in front of us rather than give that person the peace they deserve. In India it is actually a crime to commit suicide (whether suicide is right or wrong is besides the point), a person can be arrested and put in jail for attempting suicide, but a rapist can commit rape and then be walking on the road in a few days. Makes you wonder doesn’t it?

I see lines drawn on ground which demarcate which side of the world I shall reside in. Any decision to change that decision and I need to take the permission of a thousand people who would like to decide for me. Why??? What’s wrong in wanting to travel to Europe and stay, or take a flight and settle down in the US? Why is it that because I was born in India means I must spend my entire life? And who decided that because I was born here means I can’t stay anywhere else. It’s just a means to control us, to keep us where we are, it scares the people who rule to have fresh blood pumping into the society.

All these chains, some invisible, others visible are designed to keep humankind tied down. We are being held down so that a few at the top may rule. We commit murder without knowing why, but are called heroes because we supposedly did it in the name of the country.

I pray that we all wake up before it’s too late and see what is happening around. Wake up and put an end to the atrocities around us. Wake up and see the world before we burn it to the ground.

Lots to say...

2005-04-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

hey ppl, its been a long long gap since I last felt that there was something to share. The melancholy induced by my applications showing "no-change" has passed. I have travelled a lot in the last month, and basically had a ball of a time since we last met.

First things first, I have recieved an admit to San Francisco State University to complete a MS in Physics. I am still undecided on whether to accept the admit or not (its a lil low ranked, makes me hesitant, and I no the argument that I shouldnt have applied if I thought the Univ was low ranked and all exists, but...).

Also I have just returned from a week long trip in Sri Lanka, which was a total ball. Went there to give my Physics Subject Test (which incidentally was so-so), and had a gala time and came back. I have spent more money than I should have and now am regretting it (these credit cards...at the time of need you think they r a boon, but later you realise they are as evil a creation as man has ever come up with :) ).

I have taken a lotta photos in Lanka, and am quite proud of a few attempts if I do say so myself. What is it about a beach that makes us want to sit down and watch the sun rise-spend all day-and then watch the sunset. Whenever I see the sun play over the skies and on the horizon of a beach I feel so awe-inspired that its very hard not to cry tears of happiness. The colours are vivid, bright, and with a rawness you just cannot get anywhere else.

On this note I sign off, with a parting message 'Dont Worry Be Happy'.

Lies

2005-01-27T03:00:00.000-08:00

“There’s always a nebulan cruiser or a …. Waiting to destroy this crummy planet, the only way these people continue on with their pathetic lives is that they do not know about it” – Agent J to K, MIB. These words, or words to their like causes 90% of the problems that the world faces today.

All do it, everyone around you and me carries some secret that they believe only they can deal with because everyone else is either too stupid, or too young or a myriad of other reasons all equally nonsensical. What results out of this mollycoddling is that the people instead of dealing with their problems tend to delegate responsibilities.

Almost all the governments of all the countries do this, for various reasons (in fact the reason a movie like MIB exists, is because of this stupid attitude, that believes that people aren’t ready for the truth, how will they be? If they are never faced with it?) some for profit, others for protection, whatever the reason it results in chaos, for there is no way to cover a lie but by telling another.

There are documents in the Vatican City that are kept from the view of the public because the people there believe that the public hasn’t grown mature enough to deal with the information, who made them so mature that they can make a statement? If they can deal with the same information how can they be so high handed as to assume that others cant?

It is not our duty to lead a life of pain and suffering just to protect another from the realities of life. It is not our responsibility to allow another to lead a blinkered life, but rather our duty to free another of their blinkers. Lay the truth upon him, and then let him decide whether he wants to accept this truth as his or not, never assume that because another is not as smart as you that he/she doesn’t deserve to know all that happens around him.

Life, it is meant to be lived…. Live it.

Happy New Year - Dont Make New Year Resolutions

2004-12-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

hey all you people out there, for those to who it matters, Happy New Year and A Merry Christmas...

So why do I say not to make New Year Resolutions, its simple it sounded good :). heh but no really, try and remember what your previous year resolutions were, and whether they were fulfilled satisfactorily!!! If the answer to this question is yes then please go ahead; if not well then wait, try and remember why it was that you didnt complete it and based on the answer you can decide whether you want to make new resolutions.

The thing is that we all make resolutions only based on the state of mind we are in at the moment, without really thinking... If at the New Years we are really happy (read inebriated heh) then our resolutions tend to be wild and impossible to achieve, if on the other hand we are terribly depressed then the resolution is typically to get rid of all pain and unhappiness out of our lives. This really is an impossible goal. This is so, because without sadness happiness would be unknown, for you to be something, there must be a state of being not that something.

So people go into the New Years without a care, wipe clean the slate and forget all of yesterday, for tomorrow's another beautiful day for all to enjoy and smile at.

See you in the New Year 2005

Something I wish to share

2004-12-16T00:25:00.000-08:00

A few passages I would like to share with you from ‘Conversations with God’.

- Condemn not that which you call the lower, basic, animal instincts of man, yet bless them, honoring them as the path through which, and by which, you find your way back home.

- It is why I have said, play, play, play with sex – and with all of life!

Mix what you call the sacred with the sacrilegious for until you see your altars as the ultimate place for love, and your bedrooms as the ultimate place for worship, you see nothing at all.

So go ahead! Mix what you call the profane and the profound – so that you can see that there is no difference, and experience All as One. Then when you continue to evolve, you will not see yourself as letting go of sex, but simply enjoying it at a higher level. For all of life is S.E.X – Synergistic Energy eXchange.

And when you understand this about sex, you will understand this about everything in life. Even the end of life – what you call “death”. At the moment of your death, you will not see yourself as letting go of life, but simply enjoying it at a different level.

- Men invented the devil to scare people into doing what they wanted, under the threat of separation from God if they did not. Condemnation, being hurled into the everlasting fires of hell, was the ultimate scare tactic. Yet now you need be afraid no more. For nothing can, or ever will, separate you from me.

You and I are One. We cannot be anything else if I Am What I Am: All That Is

I have no way to separate Myself from you – or anything else. “Hell” is simply not knowing this. “Salvation” is knowing and understanding it completely. You are now saved. You needn’t worry about what’s going to happen to you “after death” anymore.

Something else on another topic from the same book. If I could I’d reproduce the entire book page for page here, but since I cant I’ll introduce you to some concepts, and let you find your way to complete document in your own time.

- Thought control is the highest form of prayer. Therefore, think only on good things, and righteousness. Dwell not in negativity and darkness. And even in moments when things look bleak – especially in those moments – see only perfection, express only gratefulness, and then imagine only what manifestation of perfection you choose next.

In this formula is found tranquility. In this process is found peace. In this awareness is found joy.

What me worry, why me care???

2004-12-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Has anyone noticed the recent trend in news delivery? Everything has become so sensationalistic, there’s no sober news displayed prominently on the front page, even if an article has dealings with something simple its headline will be something totally misleading. I was having a discussion on this topic with my friends yesterday and we were noticing how everywhere we saw the news channels were displaying prominently only sensationalist news, MURDER HERE, RAPE THERE, FIRE HERE, TORNADO THERE, almost no one seemed to be dealing with more peaceful issues, science and discovery is shoved to some far corner. Articles on peace movements, or talks and lectures are very rarely featured, if there at all.

I believe that to all this there is a purpose; it’s a form of mass desensitization, it makes sure we the people get so used to large scale warfare, and death that when it happens to someone near us, we’ll not give a damn. Another very interesting thing that is regularly done is that the important cases are given very low coverage, so if there is some piece of information that should be covered, it’ll be shoved to page 3. And some articles will be continued for days and days till the people will be sick and tired of reading about it.

A classic example of this trend is the ‘Times of India’, once a paper with integrity, today its no better than a tabloid which unflaggingly supports the Congress Govt. the fact that a paper should be neutral can go take a hike. In the present Reliance case, instead of reporting the news, it has opted to take the side of Anil Ambani. This is evident in almost all the news that has been reported till date. There was also a poll on indiatimes for the CEO of the year, which had Narayanmurthy, Azim Premji, and Anil Ambani as choices (see what I mean).

Almost everything we see and hear opposes what we read. Why is it that ‘We the People’ are so willing to let the government, the papers, the news channels, basically anyone and everyone take us for a ride, whenever the wish and wherever they wish….

Dedicated to my love

2004-12-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

For those who've felt it, will share with me the pain of the leaving behind a loved one when one travels to a city far away. This pain is something that we often face, but very rarely do we know how to deal with it, and I unfortunately am no exception to the case.

The joy I exhibited when I left home was nowhere to be found on the day I was to return. There were tender moments aplenty, but joy almost none. The previous two days of joy were forgotten, as the clock ticked away. I know that time is relative, but when we need it how is it so that its never available. We shared the same space the two of us that morning, but both were far away in another time, when things seemed brighte. We wondered whether it was actually two days and not two hours for which we were together.

And then the moment arrived we sat together on the station awaiting the train, which thanks to the punctuality of the Indian Rail System arrived fifteen minutes late, but they were fifteen minutes to little, for once I found myself praying that the train be late, or never arrive at all.

But these were dreams destined to fail, for soon enough the train was announced, and then the train came chugging into the station slowly. A last glance, a final touch, a moment lost in each others eyes, and then it rolled out again, leaving me without a part of me, as I watched that part slowly recede into the distance, tears flowing down her eyes. I couldn't help but feel that part of her in me well up, and quite unconciously the tears flowed down, as I kept staring out of the door, well past the time when she had disappeared from view.

But in my minds eye I kept seeing her there on the platform all alone, crying, and smiling, and waving...

Yeah am goin for a nice lil holiday

2004-12-02T00:55:00.000-08:00

Allo people, am visiting hyderabad for the weekend starting tomorrow evening. Now lotsa people will turn around and say that I've been enjoying a long holiday anyways, but I turn around and tell them that while I've had a lot of time to myself, I've not actually had an actual vacation in the last year. Even this time, I'll not be doing much, as I only have 2 days, but YEAH!!!

Am taking my SLR, have started a photography workshop in nasik, and now have a chance to practice some of what I'm learning, thinking of trying my hand at a lil serious photography, lets see....

For people interested in Astronomy, read the book 'Cosmos' by Carl Sagan, its a very interesting book, and really reveals a lotta information. Its beautiful in the way it takes you thru the history of science.

Something I read in aradhita's blog about what Einstein said, of how the scientist's view of god was so different, then the common mans. is somethin i agree completely with, while not a scientist (but rather an aspiring one), I believe that science and religion are not really so different. The thing is that today whenever we discuss religion, its religious entities that dominate, not the teachings, or the fact that religion is but a way to somethin much greater. Science reveals so many magnificient things about creation that I cant help but feel that the scientist who studies nature, not for searching god, is much closer to god, than the religious man, who scorns science.

Do YOGA

2004-11-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

I would like to share a piece of advice that I received from someone, when I was complaining about the fact that I’m growing fat and don’t have time to exercise. The person said, ‘do yoga’. If your fat, if your thin, if ur mentally unstable, if ur physically unstable, basically if ur alive then u can, and should do yoga.

And for all o u who live in the US, if u wanna do Yoga, then try to find the authentic stuff, for I have seen and heard of the various jazzed up yogasana centers. Let me just remind you that yogasana was created to be the complete exercise routine, and that all the variants that we have today have been done to try and give yu physical exertion, and thus bring ur body into stability. But yogasana’s intention is not only to bring ur body, but the holy trinity of the soul, mind and body into stability. For the body and mind to get to know the soul better. Thus don’t try to go for the jazzed up routines. I have always maintained that if you want to do something, then please do it right.

That’s all for now, my next lecture date is indeterminate, heh. Take care

Love all always

Am waiting

2004-11-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

The worst part about giving an exam is the wait after the damn thing gets over for the results. With my subject GRE i currently face a very similar problem, only it now is far more of a pain because I'm no longer studying. Atleast in the old days after an exam, we had the holidays, then college would begin again, now its like work till the exams, finish the exam and then keep working, all the while praying that the results will be good, because if it aint then there goes my MS plans for the current year. I'l have to take a date either end of May in Nepal or something or else I'l have to wait an entire year till next year to give my Subject Test again.

This really sucks big time. I mean shouldnt the passion to study a particular subject be enough. Why appear for a test. This is just one more sign of the unnecessary headaches that we as humans enforce on each other.

Waiting....

Live Life to the fullest

2004-11-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

What’s more scary facing the unknown, or knowing that your facing it alone.

The funny thing to me is that neither is particularly very scary, they are just two parts of the same story, for I believe we face life alone, always, no exceptions. People they pass through, some we call friends, others enemies, but they are all visitors passing through, each leaving a fragrance. Most come to you for a present, a gift which you leave with them, and they in return leave you with a gift. It might be in many forms (a new teaching, a way to make love, a way to love and be loved, a way to fight heh very important), but they all do it unwittingly, unknowingly. The trick is to learn what gift the people passing through our lives want from us, and presenting it to them.

Life as we see it, presents a deceptive picture, fooling us into believing that it contains pain, deceit and various other forms of horrors. So in return we believe that if life is so painful, then surely death must be worse. Death is and always will be the greatest UNKNOWN, and this scares the heeby-jeebies out of most of us. Defeat this fear, its pointless, live life to the fullest, and face death head on.

Remember we leave a fragrance in every life we touch, just make sure it’s a fragrance you would wish to be remembered fondly by.

Enjoy

My first time

2004-11-26T08:49:00.000-08:00

Ah the joys of getting initiated into the arts of writing my own blog. Kind of like sex, only different, more thought involved, a little harder to carry out, and yet the final outcome if done properly might give similar joy...or so i hope.

For anyone who happens to view the blogs please be sure to have a very open mindset. I will warn you, I am one who advocates free speech, and more insistent am I on the topic of opening up our doors to the world. I dont advocate the big brother kind of government, but i do believe that if this society dealt with each other more transparently, and with greater honesty it would be a far more beautiful world.

I also plan to write about my views on the sexuality, intercourse, foreplay, my career aspirations, my dreams, my hopes for the future. I dont want anyone to feel offended by what they read here. And a piece of advice if you feel offended exercise a basic right of yours and dont read, leave the blog.

Cia